We all live by rules, some explicit, others so ingrained that we barely, if ever ,take notice of their effect. There are social rules we are taught from infancy, usually general in nature and universally applied to maintain an orderly world.There are civil rules intended to outline the relationship between citizens and government.There are religious rules governing the relationship with the divine.
Within us, both at the genetic level and through the most ancient adaptive behaviors, are sets of rules that subtly but powerfully direct the course of our lives.They exist to fulfill one of Nature’s primary directives, to maintain the existence of the species. These encoded rules, lying beneath the conscious level, I call the Sexual Imperative.
The Sexual Imperative works in men differently than in women. It is the difference that both enriches the relationship between the sexes and is the cause of much grief and misunderstanding.
40,000 + years ago in a much simpler and more dangerous world, a woman needed to be certain that the physical and emotional resources she devoted to bearing and raising a child would be protected. Strength, stamina and standing within the group became the primary determinants for a mate. The dominant concern of females was to insure the physical security of their offspring against the manifold threats during the many years of human development. In biological terms a woman needed to find the best possible way to insure her genes would be passed on.
Men on the other hand found it difficult enough to keep themselves alive while securing food, shelter and resources. The act of thrusting a spear into an enrage animal from a distance of six feet was an occupation fraught with life threatening danger.
On his own, a man would have little incentive to increase the burden of daily toil by protecting a woman and children. His strategy for passing on his genes was best insured by impregnating as many females as possible without attaching himself to any single mate.
The difference between the biological needs of women and men encompasses the Sexual Imperative Of each gender. I use the term “imperative “ to emphasise that this is not a situation of rational thought , but a basic condition of humanity established by Nature.
For all the advances mankind has made over the millenia,the strategies of the sexes remains with us.
Nature is indifferent to virginity. It would suit the purpose of perpetuating the human species if every woman was able to conceive from the first time she became fertile.
In fact, the concept of virginity tends to objectify women. If a virgin is more desirable as a wife than a sexually experienced woman, despite the fact that there has never been a link between lack of sexual experience and superiority as a wife and mother, then abstinence serves merely to enhance the value of females as items of barter.
In an era where birth control was seriously deficient, delaying sexual experience served to function in that respect. In a more sexually permissive environment , the concept of “saving oneself ” is linked to religious belief, social views on self respect or to the finding the”right” man.
While they no longer see brute strength as a prerequisite of a satisfactory mate, women continue to purse the fundamental concepts that have been within their psyches for countless millenia .
Perhaps income has replaced hunting ability, good looks, sheer strength and the wherewithal to provide a nice home and afford a “name “college for her offspring is the modern equivalent of the ancient choice place at the fire. Nevertheless, the Imperative remains: to secure the best means of insuring that her genes are passed on.
One would think that a woman’s genetic drive would be best served by having multiple males protect and provide for her, but she is ultimately most secure with a single male ( although this is not universal) ,due to the threat of one mate killing the offspring of another.
Men on the other hand have historically been required to spend much fewer resources during the early development of their children. As a result their Imperative is to mate as widely as possible.
The saying that “ women seek security and men seek variety “ is not without merit in the evolutionary setting. Yet today, far removed from the need to impregnate numerous women so that their genes will be part of a new generation, should they fall to the numerous threats that surrounded them, why do many men still seek multiple partners?
The modern American family construct cherishes monogamy and sexual fidelity as the ideal. This is an almost totally female perspective in that it codifies the protection of the woman’s offspring ( and thereby her genes) above all other considerations.
At the same time, it demonizes men who seek multiple partners as “ players” when single and as womanizers during marriage. In the “man’s world” it has been the female mating scenario that has come to dominate society.
Western culture has surrounded sex with so many rules , proscriptions and such shame and guilt that it is scarcely the same biological need our distant ancestors knew.
For a brief period during the 1960s ,when so many societal norms were called into question , concomitant with the availability of the birth control pill, it appeared that a new sexual paradigm was emerging .
This “Sexual Revolution” did heighten awareness of the role of sex as a means of pleasure..available to both sexes… and not simply a procreative tool. Sex after the sixties would never be viewed as it was during the fifties and earlier.
Despite the push by women for greater equality, the virtual elimination of unwanted pregnancy ( if one abides by any number of birth control regimens) and the current concept that career and motherhood need not be mutually exclusive, many women continue to opt for the traditional role of full-time motherhood.
While being a CEO is stressful, it no longer need be solely a man’s domain, because the requirements are not those of strength, speed and size.
So, here is the Sexual Imperative at work in 2018.
For men, despite society mustering the support of religion, law, moral judgement, indignation and opprobrium against so-called “ filandering” , men continue to seek sexual partners outside of both courting relationships and marriage.
Women, despite the availability of advanced education and high level career opportunities, choose in many cases to forgo the work place for the home.
The reason for both phenomena? As a species we have convinced ourselves that we are so smart we can overcome the most basic set of biological and psychological instructions that underpin our anthropoid existence, the Sexual Imperative.
We have chosen to confine to a box that which Nature directed us to do openly and freely, and for which Nature implanted a set of hardwired responses to the issue of sex and propagation of the species.
This set of subliminal guidelines extends beyond the physical. Men and women, despite the homogenizing efforts of church, government and culture, continue to think and react differently.
People have come to understand this. The “Men are from Mars , Women are from Venus” realization , popularized by relationship guru John Gray in the book of the same name, points to these dichotomous thought behaviors.
Men and women perceive the same situation from different mental viewpoints. Time and again issues arise because perception and innate responses to situations differ in women and men.
In many cases , when confronted by a challenging situation that has confronted a woman, a man will immediately seek to solve the issue, while the woman wants only to have her concerns understood.
Men will often become frustrated when a woman reminds them of an issue that occurred in the past… and which the man believes has been put to rest
Women tend to communicate at length while men do so in far less detailed
There is a joke about a couple relating to friends the events of a date.
Woman to her friend:
“ We saw a great romantic comedy. I laughed and cried at the same time! Then we had dinner at a wonderful bisto, with marvelous food and really good wine. When we got home , we cuddled , talked , drank some wine and made love until we fell asleep. It was such a romantic evening”.
Man to his friend:
” We went to a movie, had dinner out and had sex. It was good”
We need to understand that neither of these approaches is inherently wrong. Nor do they stem from something lacking in a man’s abilty to communicate. They simply represent the different ways in which each gender thinks.
Dissimilarity in communication styles are just one aspect of the difference in the Sexual Imperative between men and women.
One would think that with the advances in education, professional standing and ready access to multiple methods of birth control, women’s attitude toward sex would approach that of men; that it is an act to be engaged in for its own sake.
Yet we continue to see many instances of sex as something a woman”gives” to a man. Something she is required to preserve until the time is right, and seldom on the first date.
This attitude is a cultural imposition that inhibits women from immediate sex with a man to whom they are attracted.
What purpose does such a prohibition serve?
1. In an era where women’s rights were severely proscribed, it provided a measure of power to females. If the male Sexual Imperative is to mate freely, then women could gain resources from controlling access to sex.
2. Conversely, it objectified women by making chastity a measure of a woman’s value. Denigrating a sexually experienced unwed women placed a lower economic value on her. For hundreds of years a sexually experienced young woman was seen as “disgraced” with severely diminished chances of marrying “well”.
The tension between these resulted in women being able to control access to sex for their benefit, but only at the price of rendering themselves items if barter, whose value depended on virginity.
Today, women are much more free to engage in sexual activity as they please. Nevertheless, we continue to see reluctance to do so in many instances. As Billy Crystal remarked, “ Women need a reason to have sex, men only need a place”
There are a plethora of on -line dating sites catering to every age group, sexual orientation, religious, racial, ethnic and national background.
Except for those specifically dedicated to sexual encounters, these internet areas can be commonly described as “dating” sites.
I will concentrate here on the sites which aim at the “Baby Boomers”, generally people born between 1945 anf 1965 . This is the generation that reached maturity during the height if the Sexual Revolution and which one would expect to engender a liberal attitude toward sex.
Yet, reading the profiles of many women on these sites, it is apparent that they retain the same traditional attitudes toward dating that generations before them exhibited.
On these sites many women’s profiles say they are seeking a “serious relationship”, ie. monogamous interaction . They also indicate that they are not interested in “serial daters “ players ”, men who are not “ emotionally available” or those who are separated.
One can genealize that a “serial dater” is a man who enjoys the company of numerous women and seeks to date multiple partners simultaneously without becoming seiously involved with any one lady.
A “ player” has a more derogatory connotation . He is one who is both disengenuous and sexually exploitive in that he misleads women into believing they mean more romantically to him than in actuality, simply to obtain sex.
There are may ways a people can be seen as not being “emotionally available”
They can be in perpetual mourning for a deceased spouse , or one who caused an unwanted divorced. Or they can have too great a dedication to children, family, career, friends, hobbies, etc.
Many women are reluctant to become involved with separated men. There appears to be a widespread belief that within every separated man is a deep desire to rekindle the relationship, regardless of the individual situation. Many women believe that the only “real “ way to end a marriage is through divorce. Lacking the court decree , they believe, a man is simply waiting to reunite with his estrangesd spouse. This concept is so ingrained that women will walk away from a promising companion… even those who profess not to want marriage…if they he is not divorced.
While women will accept and even admire a man who is devoted to and spends time with his children and grandchildren, time which he will not be spending with her, they will abandon a man out of fear that he will return to his estranged wife.
I have concluded that this behavior is rooted in the replacement of marriage by women in the modern mature population with lifelong committment : in other words marriage without the legal documentation.
When a woman indicates in her profile that she is seeking a “ serious relationship” many times it is with the expectation that it will be exclusive and of long ( read forever) duration.
In an era where both men amd women are capable of accumulating significant personal wealth through tax deferred pension plans and investments, wealth which they may be reluctant to entrust equally to another, this form of “marriage by another name” may be replacing the traditional trip to the alter for Baby Boomers.
Still, the rules of dating among mature adults appear to have changed little from the pre WWII era or for women in their early sixties ,from those regarded as proper in their teen years.
A man is considered a “creep” if he gazes too long at a womans body, regardless of how provocatively she may dress .
He is admonished for allowing his eyes to travel toward a womas breasts, irrespective of the studies that have established that all men and teenage boys instinctively look at a woman’s chest when they meet.
It is considered inappropriate to discuss sex until the “right” time; one determined by the female .
Sexual intimacy cannot be attained until after a certain, vaguely defined length of time, again determined by the woman.
Men are paradoxically supposed to neither want anything to do with former spouses, nor to “bad mouth “ them.
The point of all this is that modern Western culture has made the Female Sexual Imperative the centerpiece of our interpersonal lives
We still espouse lifelong committment in the face of increasing numbers of divorce Yet, many divorces today are initiated by the wife. Social Science has yet to explore the concept that as women live longer, well past the point at which their children become adults, their driving need to protect these offspring( their genes) ,that is , their Sexual Imperative, is fulfilled and they no longer have need for the protection of marriage or its monogamous strictures.
Women continue to set the rules for dating ,utilizing similar concepts as in their 50’s and 60’s, employed during their most fertile years; concepts that stressed the value of “saving herself” sexually, marriage, ( now termed “committment”) and testing potential beau for suitability on grounds other than their personal attributes.
All of these are hallmarks of the female Sexual Imperative. They have been so ingrained in our culture, attached to religious doctrines, even codified in law at times ,that most people, men and women alike, take them for granted.
Was it simply an option ,a choice of lifestyles among other choices, it would do little harm. Unfortunately, in an era where Hollywood has altered history to exaggerate the idea of the warrior woman, while simultaneously portraying modern men as little more than bumbling fools or violent miscreants, the effects of the victory of the female Sexual Imperative have far reaching consequences for men.
to be continued
Dating and The Sexual Imperative 